somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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