If that was your dad, he is hot
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
