My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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