Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I deserve this hangover.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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