He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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