i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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