Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
