Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
