i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Is Oprah even human
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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