please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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