Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
