He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
