Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Your penis caused this!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
