Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
