Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Randomize