shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
