ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
