Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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