i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
