I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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