She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
then he tried to convert me to islam
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
