i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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