I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize