OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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