You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
