i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
