i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
