Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
