I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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