dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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