my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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