the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
