Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
