I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
