your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
