Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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