It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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