There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
