Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Randomize
