hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
