Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
