I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
