The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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