i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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