He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
