Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize