the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
