i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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