Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I forget how to act sober
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
