you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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