Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
