Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
