every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
