If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
