positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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