Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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