it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
