I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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