I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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