1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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