I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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