I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
