i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
