Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
