There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
