I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
