You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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