that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
