I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize